i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
