Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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