i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize