Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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