am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
