I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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