The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
