Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
