I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm really busy with my period
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