The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize