It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
