Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
