Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I still have a little drunk in my system
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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