hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize