Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
