ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
