I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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