moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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