thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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