I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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