He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you had me at cake vodka
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
