He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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