I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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