That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
