um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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