Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You left your phone here
Wait...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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