I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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