I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
