Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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