he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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