I just threw up on my dentist
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
