plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
