You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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