I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
