I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize