he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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