I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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