lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
