I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize