You just made me feel so damn special
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
