mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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