i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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