It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
