I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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