i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
