These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
