Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
