I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
