If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize