I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
