3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
