omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tornado booty call.. dedication
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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