were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
