can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
