so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
