I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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