I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
