The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
