Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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