All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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