Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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